I Have No Clue What to Title This As!

I'm not going to sugar coat. Today was a hard day at points, although it started out fine. I knew the results from the election were in and I was thinking "I am not going to worry about it, tomorrow is the day I'll find out and there is nothing I can do about it". About that time one of my team members walks up and says "Obama won". Well, that got me angry, and threw me in to a tail spin. I kept saying "God is faithful, he's sovereign, he has a plan", then the Holy Spirit convicted me. Was I saying it because I believed it or because I just needed to calm down? I had been reading through Philippians the past few days and decided that today was a day for a Psalm, and I wanted a Psalm that suited my needs. I was like "okay today is 11/7...117, Psalm 117", well Psalm 117 is about praising God. Which was the last thing I wanted, I wanted to grumble. Okay so Psalm 61, a Psalm about God's protection, better right? Then I came across chapter 62.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah
Once God has spoken;

twice have I heard this:

that power belongs to God,

and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.

For you will render to a man

according to his work. Psalm 62:5-8, 11&12

Interesting. Suddenly worrying about America didn't seem so big. Then I decided that today was not going to be a bad day, it was going to be a good day. The frustration of the morning was not going to carry on into the classroom, the children don't know, nor do they care if Obama was president for another four years, so why should I for 5 hours. All in all good day in the classroom, I swear God is teaching me parenting through the classroom. I had to take a way 100 merits today from a child, and still he kept on so he lost story time as well, plus he had already lost break because of not doing his work. I had warned, and warned, then finally I had to act on it. And I honestly did not want to go through with it, but I knew the moment I didn't my word meant nothing. So a hundred merits, loss of break, and story time. And my mom's voice popped in my head as she would punish me "This hurts me more than you". Then we would have little spits of he said, she said and out of my mouth would be more wisdom from my parents "You are responsible for your actions, not theirs" or "We are talking about what you did right now, not what he did". But all day today I would be stern when I needed to be, but yet would get them to giggle and I would be giggling as well. One of the boys in my class Adi, a sweet little boy with dimples and a big smile, and I were reading. The sound was "oo", so you had "moo", "coop", "stoop" and things like that. So I started saying them with him, only a little more dramatic. Oh the laughing and giggling we got into, quietly of course :). Then I tried it with one of the girls. Oh no, that did not fly because I was reading with her, which meant she needed help. But my Father certainly raised my spirits this morning, and showed me his everlasting, unconditional love, and yet his wrath as well. Not physically, but in the classroom, in having to discipline one child, yet turn around a love another. There are days I don't want to work with some children, but He always shows me something. After school we had maintenance, Wednesdays are always hectic in themselves plus I had to bake for Home Group tonight, and finish my reading. Everything I did today was with this attitude "I hope this won't last long, so I can get to the other thing". Looking back I wonder how many conversations or lessons I have missed with God because I was so focused on the next thing.

In Home Group tonight after we had finished reading and discussing the chapters we had coffee and cookies. In that time everyone (two married couples and two singles) got on the topic of marriage, and certain things about it. Most of it was joking around more than anything, some serious. And I was sitting there, observing, thinking "Why is this not bothering me?". Because normally it does, when I'm in a group of girls, or teenagers, and suddenly they all start talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends. I feel lonely, inadequate, silly even that I don't have a boyfriend and haven't in a long time. Which as I am writing it out sounds very silly! But tonight as everyone was talking about marriage, and dating, it did not bother me. Why? Because this past week I had been so focused on my prayer life, on devotions, reading my three chapters a day, the children and God, that suddenly it didn't matter any more. Your always told that when God's enough is you will meet "the one", and with everyone around me having someone back home, I felt again alone. But as Paul writes "I have found the secret to being content." Put your focus on Him only. Am I going to have hard days? Yup, you bet! But I'm becoming the woman that I'm supposed to be through this experience. It may sound cliche, but the verse that says "In everything there is a season", is becoming so real and apparent.

I'm a private person and this past week we have had so many prayer meetings causing us to pray out loud. Which is so out of my comfort zone and God is drawing me out of it. I feel like I'm on a tread mill, and He is slowly turning up the speed of discomfort. And I remember writing in my journal on my way up "I don't want to be comfortable any more, I want to uncomfortable for God". Little did I know the meaning of that statement. I meant material things. Not in personality or feelings, I just wanted to be uncomfortable in the things I wanted me to be. We can still follow what the Bible says, yet want to hold the keys to the door and control who comes in and out. As long as we open it we are okay. No, it's a control freak. We often let relationships, television, music, and books control the situation. And for us girls it's emotions. Yet, why are we so reluctant to let our Father, who has proven himself over and over again, have the keys? The Lord who we praise on Sunday morning, and yet during the week tend to put on the shelf. The God of Abraham, who we say we will spend time with every day, yet only commit barely two hours with. Why are we so afraid to let him have the keys to our lives? I don't hold the answer, it's something different in each one of us. But it's something that the Holy Spirit has been convicting me on MAJORLY!!! I want to hold on as much as I can but, seem like I'm giving alot. "Just how close can I get Lord to my surrender with out loosing fool control", is one of the lines in a song by Casting Crowns. Americans are control freaks. We are. We control everything we can and mostly we do it unconciously.

So what is He teaching me?

Prayer isn't just private. There is a time for that, but we have to boldly come before Him.

Worship. Boldy, worship Him. I often forget His glory, and therefore it carries into my worship. Let raw worship come from our hearts and not care what people think.

Walking with Him in the Garden. How often do I spend with him? Not often. thirty minutes in the morning max, and then I get so caught up in the day. If it's supposed to be a relationship, am I investing in it. And allowing him to invest in me.

Taking my day a step at a time. Not worrying whats next.


What am I doing?

Since I haven't actually told you much on that now maybe a good time. Sorry.

Monday- We work in the school and then go to the orphanage. Which, as I mentioned before it's not. It's a place where children, who have one parent or a grandmother come for food. It's just "the orphanage" is the best way to describe it.

Tuesday- School, Venda Classes and Maintenance.

Wednesday- School, Maintenance, Bible Study, and then Home Groups.

Thursday- School, Financial Class, Maintenance.

Friday- School and then Orphanage.

The weekends vary. Last Sunday we went hiking/mountian climbing/rock climbing. Not joking that's what it was depending on where you were. Basically on Saturdays we have nothing, sometimes we have a "Work Party", which is where everyone on base gets together and knocks some things off the maintenance list for a few hours. Sunday's at night though, we have church.

If anyone has questions please just email me. Also I had mentioned today was difficult in the morning some, and tonight was hard. I had some stuff going on in my mind that I was, and still am confused about, and am trying to seek God's direction with. So tonight I sat down and decided to read through my cards and letters. And to all of you who gave me one. Thank you!! They lifted my spirits so much, and were such a blessing, in being reminded of the prayers back home and the verses and words of encouragement. I apologize if there are any run-on sentences, or grammar mistakes. I proof read, but still some fall through.

Psalm 32:8
Haili

scherhaili@gmail.com