I've been reading/listening to a book called "Wild at Heart". One of the many lessons that I have been learning through it is, the wildness of God. We often as I have said, put God in a box. Not only when times get tough do we bring him out, but we also dumb God down. Here in Africa you don't always have the medicine and equipment right away, so you pray and trust that God will take care of it. Did this weird me out in the beginning? Yes, but I'm learning how often I conceal God's power in a box. In that, I also don't believe in him as much as i think. God is not a mamby-pamby god, he is great. One of the many things that "Wild at Heart" states is that "God is vulnerable", yes he has the power to change things, but he also gives us the choice to accept him or reject him, with the consequences that come. God is of love, like we are consistently reminded in our worship and praise songs. I think we as Christians of the twenty-first century would be a little uncomfortable if we sang about God's wrath, true power and yes wildness. I was talking to a friend of mine here about the Old Testament, we have been reading through it as I have stated, and I couldn't figure out why I struggled with it. And I realized, I am uncomfortable about it because it shows God's wrath and power. And I love the New Testament, because it shows God's love. God's not a teddy bear, he is always portrayed as a lion, plus he created the wildest of creation. He's unpredictable, and yet we in our doctrine and theological mindsets try to predict him.

I have been struggling with some changes lately that God has laid on my heart. In the mist of that I realized I wrote on my trip here "I want to be uncomfortable for God". Little did I realize how that would hurt, it causes me to be vulnerable, material wise and spiritually. And he is certainly making me vulnerable, suddenly I am having to pray aloud for one thing. In other's I'm having to lead devotions and stick my neck out some. Someone once called me a "turtle", in fact that was my nickname from that person. Why? Because whenever I get uncomfortable in anything I tend to pull back in a shell. But I'm realizing why He wants us to be vulnerable, it causes us to look and lean on Him. We have to say "Okay, Lord show me what you want me to do right now, because I have no clue". Some of the things I have been learning, I have heard so often, but they are now being lived.


If I could scream anything to everyone in the world, it would be "I am not an American coming to do my humane duty. I'm a Christian fulfilling God's calling ". Unfortunately, Americans seem to be seen as people trying to do their moral duty, when they come to third world countries. We are only there for us, not the people although we think other-wise. Americans are for the most part, self centered, and wanting to push their ways on people. Sadly, this is sometimes the case even with American Christians as well, we try to come in and fix things. And we say things after a mission trip, "Oh they were so barbaric", or "They were so backwards". If you look at it, we are the ones that are backwards, for the most part, all other countries drive on the opposite side of the road, they have tea and coffee, verses soda and coffee, plus the national sport is soccer(or "football"). Americans are strange, and I am a very patriotic person. Often to people who don't know much about missions it looks like the Peace Corps. I got told I was a humanitarian by doing this, and how great it was. We as Christians are not humanitarians, and often we think that of ourselves. Yes, we are called to feed the hungry, help the widows and orphans. But, Jesus did not just go around caring for people, he also stirred up some dust. People didn't like him for it. But are we as Christians called to be complacent, timid boys and girls? And I say boys and girls because we act like it sometimes, when we should be men and woman. We go to church doing what we want for God according to our schedules, our plans, our comfort zones. We would rather sit in the dust than stir it up. And I speak for myself more than anything else. I always thought of myself as the timid wallflower, but earlier today God gave me a light bulb. Yes, I can be that way, but I have so much more when it comes to boldness than I thought, that he had given me. Looking back at high-school, you could most likely say it was DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA, uncomfortable, vulnerable and yes, HARD. Part of the problem was I would stand out, but not stand up. I would for the most part (I think) not conform to society, but, I wouldn't deform society either, because I didn't want to open a can of worms. There has always been a fire, honestly given by God, that I have had to do something or wanted to break the rules. Which when it comes to parents and leadership it needs to be contained. A couple of years ago my dream was to take a group of people and go to Washington D.C., singing "Do You Hear The People Sing?" from "Les Miserables" in the middle of the Capitol. Or better yet, the White House. But now God's changing that, yes I have the same reasons. But a different purpose. I'm not sure if that means defy the rules of China, smuggle Christians out of closed countries, encourage Christians in closed countries, or track down Human Traffickers(which is probably not a good idea as a woman). I'm not sure, what that fire is meant for, but I want to break the rules for God's glory. How often do we have a passion or fire in us, but it's bogged down by life? Or we laugh, because it's such a dream? I truly believe that the fires and passions that are from/of God, are to be used for his glory and that he has put them there for us to act on. Boldness for Christ, I'm learning, is such a blessing. And the reason I am saying that is because you get such a freedom in it. When we act before thinking on the Holy Spirit, that is where we need to be. Our little minds and fears don't get in the way and God can use us any way he wants.

For those of you that don't know of the "Christy Series", which is also a book by Catherine Marshall, there is this character named Mounty O'Teale. She never speaks, has these sad huge blue eyes, she just looks at people in the show, and she never smiles. There is a girl at "the orphanage" who is an African Mounty O'Teale. If I could adopt her, legally and financially I would. Yesterday, I gave her a piggy back as far as I could (basically back to the school, her home was that direction), and I asked her a question and normally her response is nod of the head, which is what I was expecting. This time it was a "yes" I got so excited! I told her "you spoke to me" and she just giggled with this huge smile! Sometimes on the way back we will blow lightly on each others ears, she'll touch my neck and I'll pretend to squeal or I'll make different kinds of squeals which she will giggle at. It was funny, I had gotten frustrated, well slightly angry, with the girls in my discipleship group, not listening and no interest what so ever. God, taught me two things that day. 1) Do you honestly think that much of yourself, because they are not listening to YOU? 2) When Ndivhuho said "yes" to me. "That's why your here, to love them". And it's so true that love is a language in all countries. Love is an action not just a feeling. Unfortunately in a world where love is a feeling, or more, it's hard to remember what love truly is. We always hear the 2 Corinthians 13 definition, which is awesome don't get me wrong. But in Romans 12:9-13 it says: "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality".

Interesting, how it gets deeper in this passage. But what's even more interesting is this passage is summarized as "Behaving like a Christian". Take the word love out and put your name. It makes a little more personal doesn't it?