Crash of the Habits and Convictions

There are so many things I want to talk about and post, things that I have done.  But, over the last few days the Holy Spirit has been definitely been convicting  me in certain areas of my life. My hunger for Christ has definitely grown, but so has my laziness. I've had so much time to dig into the Word and spend "coffee dates", and yet my laziness has been counteracting. I want to be on that intimate level with my Savior and yet I don't want to commit time to build my relationship.  What's sad is that it's a conscience decision that I have been making, and some are habits I need to get out off, I don't need to sleep in till 8:00 and then move on with my day. Also, my characters are crashing so much. Like the devil and the angel on each shoulder, but instead it's so stupid. I find myself worrying and thinking of wordily things, like what I look like, wanting to be on top of the newest entertainment gossip, and what the latest fashion is. And yet right down the road there are children with three pairs of clothes and I'm frusterated about the fact that I have seven nice shirts and two pair of jeans. It's caused me to realize how much I get caught up even here about the worlds definition of a eighteen year-old girl. 

This past week we went camping ,we walked up to a water fall and a few minutes afterwards another group comes up, and the girls were wearing bikinis. I frankly was not okay with it, nor were any of the us girls. I thought it was very rude and inconsiderate of the men in our group. And, I realized that I hadn't seen a girl in a bikini in three months. In being three months away from something how my attitude had been changed. I know my attitude toward most things have changed, looking back on the perversity of the television shows I watched, I'm disgusted that I let my mind go there. And they were the cleanest of modern TV shows.  My life is supposed to stand out, and yet I don't have a problem blending in with the crowd. I should be a eighteen year-old repulsed by the fact that it's not uncommon for a young teenage girls to think they have to look perfect for any guy to want them, which I can honestly say I fall for that still. But seriously I should be repulsed by the world yet until now everything was just the norm. Also I have been so caught in me, the Holy Spirit showed me the other day that I don't have a heart for evangelism, I used to, but what has happened that I haven't been worried about someone else's salvation? 

Another realizations, in three months I haven't, had an ice coffee, watched television, read a People Magazine, had a soft pretzel, hung out with my friends back home, I don't have air condition, haven't driven a car and I've only been to a mall once(which was three hours a way). And guess what? I'm alive! I'm not half dead because of it. Do I miss an ice coffee? Yes, but I can do without it. It's not a matter of life of death. Funny how things change when your not around them.   

Nwanedi

Nwanedi is a game reserve first off. We went there the day after Christmas for three days. Wednesday we hiked up a "hill" ,which was a very steep hill, to see the view. Then we saw TWO Rhino, to give you back story, you never see Rhino. As the locals say, "the Rhino are going to sleep", poachers are killing them for their horn. Actually the dart them, take an axe to the horn and leave them there to bleed to death. So that being said in there are hardly any Rhino, on top of the fact they are very recluse animals. We had been praying to see one, and that day we saw Rhino! God is so awesome, who new you could have such a testimony with Rhinos. Thursday we walked up to a waterfall and swam, jumped off of cliffs into the water, and tubed down the water for four hours. Then went back home and woke up to monkeys having a fight in the middle of our campsite. And then Friday we went caving, and rock climbing. During all this we camped in tents with monkeys and baboons, who also got into a fight in the middle of the camp at five o'clock in the morning.  

                                              A meerkat or mongoose, we couldn't decide.

                                           Wildabeasts

                                            Vhutu tubing down the waterfall.

                                               Riding on the Land Rover. Oh Robbie.

A pure heart is one to which all that is not of God is strange and jarring. - Tauler

Blou-berg

I'm writing where it feels I'm top of the world. It's one of those places that no picture can do it justice. It looks like a screen saver. I'm sitting and thinking its a once in a life time chance. And how gorgeous it is. No adjectives can describe. And how many other places are like this in the world? The places that literally scream God and his wonder. I'm always awestruck at the night sky. The stars and how brightly they shine. It makes me think that God has this black fabric over the earth at night and he pokes holes so the light of heaven can come through. I cant believe I hiked three hours up a mountain in Africa and I'm in a tent on top. The sun is amazing here.  The sun set I can only imagine to be better. I'm realizing the wanderlust of people.  How can people not believe in God? When you see the awesome landscapes and the beauty of the mountains, how can you not.  And an African sunset. Oohhhh no picture can do any of it justice. The wind. The African rainstorms.  - Journal entry




We hiked to the top of the highest peak in the Limpopo Province, a mile high and five miles to get there, most of it we got up on the first day. The plan had been to stay on the very top, but it was getting dark so we pitched camp a little early. I had considered what the ground was going to be like, where the flattest spot was with as little bumps as possible when setting up our tent, but I hadn't considered the wind. We stayed and looked at the stars for a while before going to bed, they were gorgeous, once in our tent the wind started caving the tent in it was so strong. Courtney and I figured how to make it work, we put our headphones in and were finally going to sleep when we heard "Courtney!". Well she heard it at least, I was already asleep except I felt bumping and a lot of moving around, and in my mind Courtney was getting a little to close. Turned out Shea and Kristen had pitched their tent a little below us beside a rock so the wind wouldn't be so bad, the wind basically created a vortex and broke the tent. So all four of us were in a four men tent, which the "four men tent" is really for three people or two people and their belongings. But luckily it was cold outside so we were nice and warm.

Next morning had breakfast, and hiked about an hour more up to the top. And was so beautiful!!! You could see for miles in Africa. It's amazing the sights I've seen when it comes to the mountains here, it doesn't seem like Africa. Some seem like I'm in Ireland or Scotland others seem like Australia.

On the way back down my shoe was falling apart the sole was coming off so, we used hair bands to hold it on and every thirty minutes I'd have to stop to fix it. And they weren't even my shoes. I felt so terrible. Most of the the hike we literally rocked climbed up and rock climbed down. At one point we were hanging of the side of a mountain with no ropes attached. But I can say this, it was AMAZING!!!! My adventure streak is so coming out more and more. There were a couple things that made it better, 1) there is no water facets up there, we were literally in the middle of no where so we got our water from the mountain spring, and the many waterfalls. 2) I had been struggling up, I had gotten overheated and at one point was like I can't do this. We got to our camp site and after setting up I went with my Bible to a rock and read. I opened it and came across Jeremiah 12:5 "If you have raced with men on foot
and they have worn you out,
how can you compete with horses?
If you stumble in safe country,
how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?"
So that being said I decided I needed to work out more for the next hike. Amazing what God shows you.





Okay so that was the hiking trip. As you know we are on base and have a holiday, we've been doing little odd jobs and we got to pave the preschool with bricks! So cool!!!! But Thursday we drove three hours and went to the mall. First thing we did was get a fresh "Cinnabon", oh we were so happy! We drew names for presents so we went shopping. I had Eggs Benedict( my favorite) and strong, none instant coffee for lunch. Best lunch ever! Then Jordan, Courtney and I all went to go see the "Hobbit". Haha, we got in and sat down and the movies started "Well Frodo, its time I tell you a story(however it starts)"....screen goes green....for thirty minutes. And all I could think was TIA( this is Africa), so once they got back working they skipped through the previews, and started the movie again! And all I can say is, it was awesome!!!! Best movie I had seen in a while. It was a nice breath fresh air to be able to go through the mall alone, do what I wanted to do, go see a movie, hang out with Courtney and have lunch with the girls. All the while knowing I could break off by myself if I wanted. Freedom as a female I'm learning is something I've taken for granted. We can't go anywhere off base without a guy and we can't go with a guy by ourselves so we have to go in threes. I knew coming here and being in Kenya that was going to happen, but it never occurred to me how long of it. The mall was decked out in Christmas decorations and Christmas music in the back ground. "I'll Be Home for Christmas" is another thing bringing on a whole new meaning. I'm not as home sick as I thought, my heavenly Father has blessed me in that. But I know I'm where he wants and I think that's one reason I'm not as homesick. Plus, I can keep in contact very easily. Merry Christmas!!! The pictures below are of the hike, I'll try to do them in order of time. Starting from the beginning...a very good place to start.

Coffee Dates and Bricks

"Don't let this be your America" one of the many things I was told in the first months of being here.  My response on the other hand was "I've got it under control". Oh, how I so don't.  We're on break for a month and although we have stuff to do, its very refreshing because you don't have to do as much.  Sleeping in is one thing that's wonderful, which this past week sleeping in has been 8:00. And that gives me a half an hour to get ready. And I realized something last night, although being around Godly people, constantly hearing about faith and scripture, He's been missing from my life. Truly.  Maybe in the day when I want to or feel like it. But I'll admit there are times I feel lonely.  I was writing in my journal last night what I missed having about having friends that have known me forever and I'm looking at the list and it hit me, all this time I've been feeling sorry for myself and caught up in me, Gods been trying to show me that I'm not lonely. He's been right there every-time I've cried, every time I've laughed at myself and every time I've been frustrated. Juvenile? Maybe. But how many times do we as humans get so caught up in our own lives that we've blocked God out through pity parties?  I've let these past months be wasted, pretty much. Yes, I've learned things but I haven't been giving Him my everything at all times. I don't want to come back the same person I left as, if that's the case I shouldn't have come. It's funny when you hear statements made and its not that big of a deal, but when God hits you in the head with a brick of a conviction then it's huge.  Sometimes I think statements being made around us and the convictions of others are God's way of hinting what he wants us to find out. But sometimes it takes a conviction of our own to get the point across. And that seems to be what he's been doing lately. Hitting me in the head. So now I have "coffee/tea dates" in the morning. Just me, a cup of coffee/tea, my journal, my Bible and the Holy Spirit.

 With school being out its very quiet around here, for the most part. We are going hiking/camping tomorrow. Hike up a mountain then sleep up there and hike back down. Tomorrow morning though we are doing outreach in the little village, below the mountain. So excited!!! For camping, but mainly what's going to happen tomorrow morning. Also we are going camping again the day after Christmas for a couple of days in Nwendi. And there will be waterfalls to jump off of!

 We've switched roommates. Which is a normal thing every three months.  There is only two guys so, they don't get the privilege of switching rooms. :) But us four girls...we get the privilege! I'll keep you posted on everything.

Prayer requests: boldness and obedience to say or do whatever he lays on my heart and the teams, to always be in the right heart no matter what I do, or where I go. To listen to the Holy Spirit, go where God moves me emotionally, spiritually, and literally.

To everybody at HFBC and "The Meeting Place", I love and miss you guys so much. I'm so thankful for all your encouragement, prayers and concerns.

 

Merry Christmas

So it's Christmas time. And it's flat, not cold, and very few trees. I can't see my breath at night, I'm not in sweaters, there is no Christmas music in the stores, no Christmas trees. And yes no Christmas movies with my mother. And I'm not in the Christmas spirit at all because I don't have those things? So have I truly been in the Christmas spirit over these past years? Is it the true Christmas?

If you think about Jesus, was not born most likely on a cold night. There wasn't electricity for the lights, no Christmas trees. And probably the only music going on could have been a Bar Mitzvah going on down the road. Just a normal night. People going around their normal duties that day, men working and woman panicking of where to put so many people. So what's the Spirit of Christmas? Not snow and lights, not Santa Claus, and not Christmas songs. If we think about it's a miracle, salvation, and humility. A miracle that a He was born of a virgin. Salvation, because he was born for you and me. Can you imagine God as a baby? A God so great and awe-some that we can't even imagine, came as a weak, vulnerable and innocent baby. Humility, he came born of a peasant. In a stinky, loud, barn. He slept in a feed trough. And we get frustrated if our mattress is uncomfortable.

The Carpenter of the universe was born to a Carpenter of wood. He had shepherds, the lowly of the low, come to visit him. If you look at the story of Christ birth it's very opposite. At his birth he had shepherds, then later he had Kings. Doesn't that totally encompass who He is? The King of Kings visited by earthly kings was born in a feed trough. He ate with the lowly, he touched the normal people, the poor, not the rich most of the time.

It's not beginning to look like Christmas every where you go. There are hardly Christmas decorations. But people here know that's Christmas.
Think about your birthday or someone else's birthday. It's special. That person is honored, their life is celebrated. Can we honestly say we do that for Christ. Or do we honor the presents and celebrate Santa Claus? There's nothing wrong with them. Please don't get me wrong. But where is your heart at Christmas? What's it focused on? I wanted to write this anyway but I found a song that sums all this up.

What if ribbons and bows didn't mean a thing
Would the song still survive without five golden rings
Would you still wanna kiss without misletoe
What would happen if God never let it snow
What would happen if Christmas carols told a lie
Tell me what would you find

You'd see that today holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

What if angels did not pay attention to
All the things that we wished they would always do
What if happiness came in a cardboard box
Then I think there is something we all forgot
What would happen if presents all went away
Tell me what would you find

You'd see that today holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

We get so caught up in all of it
Business and relationships
Hundred mile an hour lives
And it's this time of year
And everybody's here
It seems the last thing on your mind

Is that the day holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to Jesus Christ who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
But here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something
Christmas must be something
Christmas must be something more

Taylor Swift


I know I'll post before hand, but Merry Christmas. And the pictures below are Thanksgiving and Prize Giving.

Fire, Paint and Pancakes

First off I am afraid I am breaking tradition...this is not going to be about thankfulness although I am realizing more and more how I thankful I should be for air conditioning back home. This post I think is going to be very open, God has been showing me a lot, but for a quick light note.

Today a couple of things happened, on Thursday mornings we (all four girls) get to have the morning off, to do laundry, clean and relax. Which is great for me because I can make breakfast instead of grabbing something on the go, and I have some time to read and ya-da, ya-da, ya-da. Well, this morning I had the brilliant idea to plug in my "power surge protector/extension cord" in and use it to plug in multiple objects...it exploded. It didn't explode like shot into a million pieces, but it did catch on fire, and is now in the trash can, also it was located at the time on my bed, so now my sheet has a black spot of smoke. No other objects were harmed or burned thank goodness. Somehow when I am in Africa something fire oriented happens, like when I was in Kenya I caught my skirt on fire...but that was because I wasn't thinking. Now I can laugh about both situations, here and in Kenya, although earlier this morning I was slightly shaking... :). Then during maintenance we were painting the fence and lets just say some of us may have gotten in a paint fight, except it was outside latex paint, so we had to take turpentine to our skin, I still have paint on my feet. Interesting Thanksgiving...but it was African style, very unexpected.

Over the past few days there has been a continuous theme to everything. Being the woman God has me to be. I'm reading a book, go figure, and in that it's all about as a woman living your single years for God. To be a Lady of: Faith, Virtue, Devotion, Reckless Abandonment, Purity, Security, Contentment, Conviction and Patience. I'm not saying I'm called to be single for the rest of my life, but for today I am. It's not easy when your surrounded by people that have gotten married young, getting married, talking marriage with their boyfriends, and of course Pinterest doesn't help in itself. It's a day to day surrendering, and it's my cross right now. But over these previous days, I have had realizations of letting hurt, wounds, and scars go. Getting rid of the past and honestly moving on. I had someone say to me the other day, "you've become comfortable in your hurt, it's you security blanket. Because your afraid the moment you step out your going to get hurt all over again, you can't work for God. And those dreams that you dreamed before you got hurt will happen, and you will be able to dream again like you used to." Now I had barely known this person 24 hours. What a God thing. Also, yesterday just randomly one of the woman on base told me "take your singleness as a blessing, use it, don't squander it hoping for something else", on top of that last night someone just really encouraged me in some things. I realized the other day that my "list" isn't a check list for what I want in a husband, it's a reminder of what type of woman of God that I have to be to deserve a man of such integrity,

My faith has strengthened so much because I am having to rely on the Holy Spirit for guidance and discernment in everything. For someone who had to be pushed to get out of the house, and is now in a third world country, loosing her fear. It's huge, I get scared at times yes, but it's so small to my fear back home. There is a courage God has given me, and that courage has come from literally at times of being so confused, lost and frustrated that I have to literally say "God, I can't do this, give me your wisdom and discernment". Last night I had a Haili to God pep talk...which turned into a God to Haili pep talk and Haili realizing what was wrong in her life. Interesting how that works. It starts off as me complaining to God and God turning it around and putting me in my place. Which was funny because it was in the middle of a lightening storm, I felt like Job, complaining and then God was just like "here I am, this just a little bit of how great I am". Oh how I have had to depend on Him. How many times he is just shown me a piece of who he is and what being a woman of God is all about.

So that was this week. I made my first Apple Pie in Africa. Let's see if I can do Biscuits and Gravy. And I went biking in Africa, felt like an african at that moment. I was also informed the other day by one of my students that I was changing colors. He declared "Auntie Haili, your changing colors, your arms are yellow (tanning), but your face is white." Made my day!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!! Be very thankful for the cold!! I miss the fall and winter so much, the cold and the ability to wear sweaters, jeans and boots. I actually forgot it was Thanksgiving this morning and someone said something about it and I was like it is Thanksgiving. Tonight as team we had our "Thanksgiving Dinner", pancakes. Not joking. It was pretty fun actually. And I am very excited about being able to control how much Christmas Music I want to listen to, as well as NO 104.7!! But I'll miss Hallmark and some ABC Family movies. But it's stretching me. And He is My Comforter.

I've been reading/listening to a book called "Wild at Heart". One of the many lessons that I have been learning through it is, the wildness of God. We often as I have said, put God in a box. Not only when times get tough do we bring him out, but we also dumb God down. Here in Africa you don't always have the medicine and equipment right away, so you pray and trust that God will take care of it. Did this weird me out in the beginning? Yes, but I'm learning how often I conceal God's power in a box. In that, I also don't believe in him as much as i think. God is not a mamby-pamby god, he is great. One of the many things that "Wild at Heart" states is that "God is vulnerable", yes he has the power to change things, but he also gives us the choice to accept him or reject him, with the consequences that come. God is of love, like we are consistently reminded in our worship and praise songs. I think we as Christians of the twenty-first century would be a little uncomfortable if we sang about God's wrath, true power and yes wildness. I was talking to a friend of mine here about the Old Testament, we have been reading through it as I have stated, and I couldn't figure out why I struggled with it. And I realized, I am uncomfortable about it because it shows God's wrath and power. And I love the New Testament, because it shows God's love. God's not a teddy bear, he is always portrayed as a lion, plus he created the wildest of creation. He's unpredictable, and yet we in our doctrine and theological mindsets try to predict him.

I have been struggling with some changes lately that God has laid on my heart. In the mist of that I realized I wrote on my trip here "I want to be uncomfortable for God". Little did I realize how that would hurt, it causes me to be vulnerable, material wise and spiritually. And he is certainly making me vulnerable, suddenly I am having to pray aloud for one thing. In other's I'm having to lead devotions and stick my neck out some. Someone once called me a "turtle", in fact that was my nickname from that person. Why? Because whenever I get uncomfortable in anything I tend to pull back in a shell. But I'm realizing why He wants us to be vulnerable, it causes us to look and lean on Him. We have to say "Okay, Lord show me what you want me to do right now, because I have no clue". Some of the things I have been learning, I have heard so often, but they are now being lived.


If I could scream anything to everyone in the world, it would be "I am not an American coming to do my humane duty. I'm a Christian fulfilling God's calling ". Unfortunately, Americans seem to be seen as people trying to do their moral duty, when they come to third world countries. We are only there for us, not the people although we think other-wise. Americans are for the most part, self centered, and wanting to push their ways on people. Sadly, this is sometimes the case even with American Christians as well, we try to come in and fix things. And we say things after a mission trip, "Oh they were so barbaric", or "They were so backwards". If you look at it, we are the ones that are backwards, for the most part, all other countries drive on the opposite side of the road, they have tea and coffee, verses soda and coffee, plus the national sport is soccer(or "football"). Americans are strange, and I am a very patriotic person. Often to people who don't know much about missions it looks like the Peace Corps. I got told I was a humanitarian by doing this, and how great it was. We as Christians are not humanitarians, and often we think that of ourselves. Yes, we are called to feed the hungry, help the widows and orphans. But, Jesus did not just go around caring for people, he also stirred up some dust. People didn't like him for it. But are we as Christians called to be complacent, timid boys and girls? And I say boys and girls because we act like it sometimes, when we should be men and woman. We go to church doing what we want for God according to our schedules, our plans, our comfort zones. We would rather sit in the dust than stir it up. And I speak for myself more than anything else. I always thought of myself as the timid wallflower, but earlier today God gave me a light bulb. Yes, I can be that way, but I have so much more when it comes to boldness than I thought, that he had given me. Looking back at high-school, you could most likely say it was DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA, uncomfortable, vulnerable and yes, HARD. Part of the problem was I would stand out, but not stand up. I would for the most part (I think) not conform to society, but, I wouldn't deform society either, because I didn't want to open a can of worms. There has always been a fire, honestly given by God, that I have had to do something or wanted to break the rules. Which when it comes to parents and leadership it needs to be contained. A couple of years ago my dream was to take a group of people and go to Washington D.C., singing "Do You Hear The People Sing?" from "Les Miserables" in the middle of the Capitol. Or better yet, the White House. But now God's changing that, yes I have the same reasons. But a different purpose. I'm not sure if that means defy the rules of China, smuggle Christians out of closed countries, encourage Christians in closed countries, or track down Human Traffickers(which is probably not a good idea as a woman). I'm not sure, what that fire is meant for, but I want to break the rules for God's glory. How often do we have a passion or fire in us, but it's bogged down by life? Or we laugh, because it's such a dream? I truly believe that the fires and passions that are from/of God, are to be used for his glory and that he has put them there for us to act on. Boldness for Christ, I'm learning, is such a blessing. And the reason I am saying that is because you get such a freedom in it. When we act before thinking on the Holy Spirit, that is where we need to be. Our little minds and fears don't get in the way and God can use us any way he wants.

For those of you that don't know of the "Christy Series", which is also a book by Catherine Marshall, there is this character named Mounty O'Teale. She never speaks, has these sad huge blue eyes, she just looks at people in the show, and she never smiles. There is a girl at "the orphanage" who is an African Mounty O'Teale. If I could adopt her, legally and financially I would. Yesterday, I gave her a piggy back as far as I could (basically back to the school, her home was that direction), and I asked her a question and normally her response is nod of the head, which is what I was expecting. This time it was a "yes" I got so excited! I told her "you spoke to me" and she just giggled with this huge smile! Sometimes on the way back we will blow lightly on each others ears, she'll touch my neck and I'll pretend to squeal or I'll make different kinds of squeals which she will giggle at. It was funny, I had gotten frustrated, well slightly angry, with the girls in my discipleship group, not listening and no interest what so ever. God, taught me two things that day. 1) Do you honestly think that much of yourself, because they are not listening to YOU? 2) When Ndivhuho said "yes" to me. "That's why your here, to love them". And it's so true that love is a language in all countries. Love is an action not just a feeling. Unfortunately in a world where love is a feeling, or more, it's hard to remember what love truly is. We always hear the 2 Corinthians 13 definition, which is awesome don't get me wrong. But in Romans 12:9-13 it says: "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality".

Interesting, how it gets deeper in this passage. But what's even more interesting is this passage is summarized as "Behaving like a Christian". Take the word love out and put your name. It makes a little more personal doesn't it?

I Have No Clue What to Title This As!

I'm not going to sugar coat. Today was a hard day at points, although it started out fine. I knew the results from the election were in and I was thinking "I am not going to worry about it, tomorrow is the day I'll find out and there is nothing I can do about it". About that time one of my team members walks up and says "Obama won". Well, that got me angry, and threw me in to a tail spin. I kept saying "God is faithful, he's sovereign, he has a plan", then the Holy Spirit convicted me. Was I saying it because I believed it or because I just needed to calm down? I had been reading through Philippians the past few days and decided that today was a day for a Psalm, and I wanted a Psalm that suited my needs. I was like "okay today is 11/7...117, Psalm 117", well Psalm 117 is about praising God. Which was the last thing I wanted, I wanted to grumble. Okay so Psalm 61, a Psalm about God's protection, better right? Then I came across chapter 62.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us. Selah
Once God has spoken;

twice have I heard this:

that power belongs to God,

and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.

For you will render to a man

according to his work. Psalm 62:5-8, 11&12

Interesting. Suddenly worrying about America didn't seem so big. Then I decided that today was not going to be a bad day, it was going to be a good day. The frustration of the morning was not going to carry on into the classroom, the children don't know, nor do they care if Obama was president for another four years, so why should I for 5 hours. All in all good day in the classroom, I swear God is teaching me parenting through the classroom. I had to take a way 100 merits today from a child, and still he kept on so he lost story time as well, plus he had already lost break because of not doing his work. I had warned, and warned, then finally I had to act on it. And I honestly did not want to go through with it, but I knew the moment I didn't my word meant nothing. So a hundred merits, loss of break, and story time. And my mom's voice popped in my head as she would punish me "This hurts me more than you". Then we would have little spits of he said, she said and out of my mouth would be more wisdom from my parents "You are responsible for your actions, not theirs" or "We are talking about what you did right now, not what he did". But all day today I would be stern when I needed to be, but yet would get them to giggle and I would be giggling as well. One of the boys in my class Adi, a sweet little boy with dimples and a big smile, and I were reading. The sound was "oo", so you had "moo", "coop", "stoop" and things like that. So I started saying them with him, only a little more dramatic. Oh the laughing and giggling we got into, quietly of course :). Then I tried it with one of the girls. Oh no, that did not fly because I was reading with her, which meant she needed help. But my Father certainly raised my spirits this morning, and showed me his everlasting, unconditional love, and yet his wrath as well. Not physically, but in the classroom, in having to discipline one child, yet turn around a love another. There are days I don't want to work with some children, but He always shows me something. After school we had maintenance, Wednesdays are always hectic in themselves plus I had to bake for Home Group tonight, and finish my reading. Everything I did today was with this attitude "I hope this won't last long, so I can get to the other thing". Looking back I wonder how many conversations or lessons I have missed with God because I was so focused on the next thing.

In Home Group tonight after we had finished reading and discussing the chapters we had coffee and cookies. In that time everyone (two married couples and two singles) got on the topic of marriage, and certain things about it. Most of it was joking around more than anything, some serious. And I was sitting there, observing, thinking "Why is this not bothering me?". Because normally it does, when I'm in a group of girls, or teenagers, and suddenly they all start talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends. I feel lonely, inadequate, silly even that I don't have a boyfriend and haven't in a long time. Which as I am writing it out sounds very silly! But tonight as everyone was talking about marriage, and dating, it did not bother me. Why? Because this past week I had been so focused on my prayer life, on devotions, reading my three chapters a day, the children and God, that suddenly it didn't matter any more. Your always told that when God's enough is you will meet "the one", and with everyone around me having someone back home, I felt again alone. But as Paul writes "I have found the secret to being content." Put your focus on Him only. Am I going to have hard days? Yup, you bet! But I'm becoming the woman that I'm supposed to be through this experience. It may sound cliche, but the verse that says "In everything there is a season", is becoming so real and apparent.

I'm a private person and this past week we have had so many prayer meetings causing us to pray out loud. Which is so out of my comfort zone and God is drawing me out of it. I feel like I'm on a tread mill, and He is slowly turning up the speed of discomfort. And I remember writing in my journal on my way up "I don't want to be comfortable any more, I want to uncomfortable for God". Little did I know the meaning of that statement. I meant material things. Not in personality or feelings, I just wanted to be uncomfortable in the things I wanted me to be. We can still follow what the Bible says, yet want to hold the keys to the door and control who comes in and out. As long as we open it we are okay. No, it's a control freak. We often let relationships, television, music, and books control the situation. And for us girls it's emotions. Yet, why are we so reluctant to let our Father, who has proven himself over and over again, have the keys? The Lord who we praise on Sunday morning, and yet during the week tend to put on the shelf. The God of Abraham, who we say we will spend time with every day, yet only commit barely two hours with. Why are we so afraid to let him have the keys to our lives? I don't hold the answer, it's something different in each one of us. But it's something that the Holy Spirit has been convicting me on MAJORLY!!! I want to hold on as much as I can but, seem like I'm giving alot. "Just how close can I get Lord to my surrender with out loosing fool control", is one of the lines in a song by Casting Crowns. Americans are control freaks. We are. We control everything we can and mostly we do it unconciously.

So what is He teaching me?

Prayer isn't just private. There is a time for that, but we have to boldly come before Him.

Worship. Boldy, worship Him. I often forget His glory, and therefore it carries into my worship. Let raw worship come from our hearts and not care what people think.

Walking with Him in the Garden. How often do I spend with him? Not often. thirty minutes in the morning max, and then I get so caught up in the day. If it's supposed to be a relationship, am I investing in it. And allowing him to invest in me.

Taking my day a step at a time. Not worrying whats next.


What am I doing?

Since I haven't actually told you much on that now maybe a good time. Sorry.

Monday- We work in the school and then go to the orphanage. Which, as I mentioned before it's not. It's a place where children, who have one parent or a grandmother come for food. It's just "the orphanage" is the best way to describe it.

Tuesday- School, Venda Classes and Maintenance.

Wednesday- School, Maintenance, Bible Study, and then Home Groups.

Thursday- School, Financial Class, Maintenance.

Friday- School and then Orphanage.

The weekends vary. Last Sunday we went hiking/mountian climbing/rock climbing. Not joking that's what it was depending on where you were. Basically on Saturdays we have nothing, sometimes we have a "Work Party", which is where everyone on base gets together and knocks some things off the maintenance list for a few hours. Sunday's at night though, we have church.

If anyone has questions please just email me. Also I had mentioned today was difficult in the morning some, and tonight was hard. I had some stuff going on in my mind that I was, and still am confused about, and am trying to seek God's direction with. So tonight I sat down and decided to read through my cards and letters. And to all of you who gave me one. Thank you!! They lifted my spirits so much, and were such a blessing, in being reminded of the prayers back home and the verses and words of encouragement. I apologize if there are any run-on sentences, or grammar mistakes. I proof read, but still some fall through.

Psalm 32:8
Haili

scherhaili@gmail.com

I Stand In Awe of You

I'm sitting here up late on Wednesday night because someone had coffee at 9:00 pm, but in her defense it was Starbucks blend. And now she's paying for it. Anyway, I really want to write something but have no clue what to write ABOUT, subject wise. So it's coming as the the Lord leads. May be slightly sparatic but it's as he leads.

I was reminded last night of how awesome God is. Yesterday, was sunny and warm, then last night a huge windstorm hit, lightning, some hard rain. And I love storms but this was harsher then most. So last night I got to see lightning go across the African sky, I was sitting on my roommates bed and just watching it. The electricity had gone out, everything was dark and you could only see the lightning bolts. And as I'm sitting there in awe of how awesome God is, the beauty of it was amazing(and at times slightly terrifying). The bolts would light up the sky, and sometimes they were behind the clouds so you could see through the clouds almost. Then this morning it was like it never existed, except for some trees down, and scattered branches. It was like God was just saying "Here I am"!

There is book I read growing up, an Easter children's book. It's about this girl who was given some seeds to plant by her father, and she was rather sad about it because she wanted something better, so she put the seeds in a box, in the dirt,in the cellar and forgot about them. Finally, she just threw them out in the garden because she was so mad, and on Easter morning there were the flowers, beautiful lillies and she was so excited. That's me. Back home I put God on the shelf and forget about him, and only bring Him out when I need to. Not just in the hard times, I often say its because I can't see him. I'm someone who needs to see things to remember. I guess that's my excuse, but He's given me a reminder, the wind. Just about every prayer group, worship session, or anything, randomly a gust of wind will come through, and Gods just reminding me. But he's showing himself more and more.
I don't like the Old Testemant. Never really have. And as base we are reading it together in "Home Cell" groups. Right now we are in 1 Samuel, but it's been so interesting to see the cycle of the Israelites. I'm sitting there going, "What the heck are you thinking, how many times do you have to learn the same lesson?". And it hit me, that's us and God is watching us going how many times do I have to show you, how many times do we have to go through this? Even in my class I have to repeat things it seems fifty million times and it's like, do we seriously have to do this again. And I'm the Israelites, there was one lesson in particular growing up that I had to learn a lot. ALOT! And I'm sure my parents were saying the exact same thing "Seriously, we have to go through this again". So how many times does God have to prove himself to me? How many times do I have to be reminded? How many times does my "Dad" have to punish me to get in my head? How many times do I have a altar to a "god/idol" that I build unconciously? How many times do we as Christians decide and think that God isn't enough to get us out of our problem? A lot. I also realized I'm Saul. Saul cared about what the people thought of him and that was his downfall. Not what God thought. It goes back to my last post..."Who Cares". I'm learning not to care, learning is the key word.

We took tests on our "Motivational Gifts" and how God designed us. I the test I was high in Serving and Exhortation, and in another test I was high in Mercy but low in Exhortation. Anyway, they broke the down and gave a description and the pros and cons to them, as well as the traits found in children. I'm sitting there listening to the descriptions and I have never felt so pin pointed in personality in my life as I'm reading and listening to Mercy and Serving. I was like "Gee, I don't feel as crazy, that's why I respond that way". It' doesn't always make it right, but it explains, why I am who I am. And I react the way I react. But I realized. I'm a people person, and I never want Satan to let that be my downfall. I want to care only what God thinks, and like David be after Gods heart. What made David so amazing wasn't that he hardly sinned. It was that when he sinned he repented. He worshiped. He knew God intimatley. Are we that way?

God has consistently been reminding me of his majesty, in the children, the beauty, in my work. Is it glamorous? Far from it. Are there times I'm grumbling while doing my job? Yes. But He has always been sovereign. About the time I think I don't have the energy, He gives it to me. About the time I'm grumbling, He reminds me of why I'm there. And about the time I'm frustrated and down hearted I see a child smile. Gods here in this school. He's here in the orphanage. He's here in Africa, and the world. He's the Potter, Painter, and the Sculptor. And the Master is teaching me that the trick isn't where you go that day. It's how you go about the day. It's if you seek out his creation and see him in it. Then you will see the wonders that He created. And only be in more awe, and just be able to take a peek of his limitless glory.

Who Cares?

It's a statement that I can't say I succeed in, but, it's been hitting more and more. I've always been the person who cares what people think of me, it's a constant war within me, to conform and care what people think and then another to be my own person, to be independent. And although I hardly succeed and am constantly fighting, the fact of "Who cares" is starting to take a more prevalent role in my life. I'm getting it in part in particular. Worship.

Worship was never a huge deal for me. It was at certain times more than others. You know you sing, raise your hands and let the Holy Spirit speak to you. Yes, your supposed to worship God, but we as humans tend to worship other things, a common statement in the Christian church. But up until now. I had never seen raw worship. A lot of times it seemed like it was a show. There are some people I know that it wasn't show with, it was raw worship! And I forgot the raw worship of Africa. The dancing, the singing, the joy. The joy in which there is no way of denying God is beyond any comprehension of the human brain. As much as we try we can't begin to imagine, because our tiny heads can't began to describe the awe and wonder of Him.

Im not to the point that I can say I'm all in. I don't care. It would be false if I did. The truth is I still do find my self goung "what if such and such sees me, are they going to think..." but it's not as much apart of everything I do...it's fading as I'm being stretched. The statement "I don't care" can be a tricky one. Where you can become so callous toward everyone that you don't have any compassion, or you can be totally opposite and totally care that you let people walk all over you. It's a fine line. The trick is being to the point of yes, you stand up for yourself when needed, but you can be taught, you can have compassion and yet your not mean.


We went to the orphanage on Monday and God aloud us to be an instrument in leading about eighteen children to Christ. So now we are discipling them. Jordan and Robbie are discipling the boys, Kristin and I the girls. Which personally I think God has a sense of humor, because we both took a test on gifts, and are gift of teaching was very low. But, we were just like okay...we need to be stretched obviously. So we are being stretched and put out of our comfort zones!

We have a lot going in. Being kept on our toes, and yes there are times I want to pull my hair out with my students. But God has given me such a love for them. I find myself constantly saying stuff my mom did to me and brother when we were younger, or thinking "Oh my gosh I'm so glad, they raised me that way". Even though when I was in the situation the statement always was "I will never be thankful for this" and now I am, but most of that was out of the independent and stubborn. So, yes the statement is so true that your parents get smarter as you get older. I

It still amazes me how much God has molded and shaped me for this trip with past experiences, camps and jobs. He's all in this.

Faith

  We are here, and all of us passed "Bootcamp"! Oh my gosh you guys if I sat and told you everything that has happened you would be here for a while! I am only going to sum it all up in three words. I am learning. Every day God is showing me something, but what has stuck out the most was the lack of faith I have. The people here have mustard seed at least, and if they have that, how little is mine? I finally figured it out, the reason I have so little. The society I am in, I don't exercise faith back home because I DON'T NEED IT!! I have everything I  need, if I don't, I go and get it. When Jesus says "It is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle then for a rich man to get into the kingdom of God", growing up I always thought it was he because he didn't want to part with his possessions, and yes thats apart of it. But the rich man doesn't have much faith because, he doesn't need it. He has everything, he doesn't have to depend on God. Here you do. Someone told me once, "once you go to Africa, it gets into your skin, you get hooked", it's so true.

  Our plane ride was safe, long, but very encouraging. We met so many missionaries on the way and in the plane, two traveled with us all the way. One of them was a life savor, we were told the wrong gate, and she went to look on the screen and it was totally the opposite. I am going to say this again........it was LOOOOOOONG! But movies and giddy team mates were a God send. The food was interesting.

   I am so blessed to have the team mates I do. We have all been amazed, at how we are hand picked to be here. It's been proven so many times, there is no way any human can pick it out! It was all God. We have laughed together so many times, and cried separately, not together yet. My room mate and I have so much fun, we are working on memorizing James together, love it.

  Okay so third day working with children, and Grade 1 is so my grade. I am falling in love with the children. So they did the all time "lets get the new teacher trick", they tried to switch names on me...it doesn't work when some of the boys in the back of the line are laughing and giggling. :) In Grade 1, I help them with their reading, math, and check their work. I'm the "assistant teacher", the school system is set up differently so thats the easiest way to describe my title. I'm basically just the eyes and ears of the teacher. It's amazing, this wasn't the grade I wanted to work with, because I worked with 3rd and 5th in the past, I assumed that would work. Nope, Grade 1. Sweet children that just want attention. I had to discipline one of the boys, and after school was over he came and gave me his piece of candy that he had for that day.

  We went to our outreach today. We had understood that it was an orphanage, it's actually not. It's for the vulnerable children, which means the children that have lost there parents and are living with an elderly grandmother who can't take care of them. It was very humbling. About the time I am thinking that I have been humbled, thats when the Lord gives me another slice of humble pie. They don't speak English, they speak Venda/Vendu. The children at the school have to speak English.

  We have had our fair share of spiritual warfare. Nothing life threatening, but alot of mind games. As we are going into these next three weeks, just keeps us in prayer. We are getting out of the honeymoon phase, and into the reality of it all. I have only had one moment so far where I made the statement "I can't do this". I was tired, hot, trying to sleep, and covered in mosquito bites. And the Holy Spirit gave me a verse Philippians 3:14. Which was one of the verses I received at my a party. By a little girl in my small group in church.

 My heart is slowly trying to relocate. I say trying because the next few weeks are going to be tough. Our team is constantly being reminded of why we are here. We are surrounded by amazing men and woman of God. Some are Americans, which was wonderful to know, because it's easier, they can relate.

  Camping for ten days was eventful, first night in a tent, my tent mate(Shea) and I were getting ready for bed when we here this scratching noise under the tent...it was termites. Yay! So we slept with the noise of termites crawling around all night. And these are about two centimeters long...ugh! I was finally, truly disgusted by a crawling bug. Then we went monkey hunting. We were getting ready for maintenance and there was a monkey in a tree across the field. A little smaller than a baboon, our Supervisor, Piet, grabbed his air rifle and we go monkey hunting in the singles living quarters. It was a holiday so no one was there. Then we ate a finch, one of the guys decided to kill it and then eat it. The team tried it, I wasn't to fond of the idea. For some reason.

  I could be here for days telling you all of the things that have happened. I was telling my mom, looking back everything that I have done over the years has prepared me for this. Living History, helping build a house, farming, everything. I'm not afraid of hard work, I may not always want to pitch in, but I'm not wimpy. My parents discipline, the way they raised me.  Everything thing that I have done or gone through has prepared me for this, thats not coincidence, that's God.

  I love you guys and wish I could share more. I can get on the internet twice a week, so I'll keep you posted. Also I may have to change my email, because my email is not working properly. I can receive just not send. :)

Journey So Far....my team!

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious oil upon the head,
Coming down upon the beard,
Even Aaron's beard,
Coming down upon the edge of his robes. It is like the dew of Hermon
Coming down upon the mountains of Zion;
For there the LORD commanded the blessing-life forever. (Psalm 133:1-3 NASB)


I'm here with my team and it's so amazing. We went out dinner tonight for "the Last American Supper", just the six of us. And as I'm looking back at sitting there listening and talking to everyone, I'm in awe at God. His choosing of this team to South Africa I'm again in awe. Each one of us brings something to the table. Although we are all different, we all are one. We are slowly and surely becoming a family.

It was interesting tonight our dinner topic...spiritual warfare. The six of us discussed spiritual warfare for 30 minutes over our meals(Buffalo Wild Wings), where most teenagers would be discussing the latest news. We all have the same passion, to praise the Lord with our work, to bring Glory to his name. And as we talked about today over dessert it's not about us. And it's hard to remeber that. As you pray for me and this team and discuss it with other people, please don't make it EVER about us and what "we are doing". Pray that we will stay as one team, in unity. That we will remember who we are really serving.

Spiritual warfare has been so prevelant, two visa's barely came in the last one yesterday. Which we were told had never happened before. Mind Games, even as we were talking and some of us were sharing about amazing things we have come in contact with tonight, I was sitting there thinking "Wow I must not be that great of christian because that didn't happen to me". And then I realized how many mind games this week Satan had been using on me because I felt inadequate to everyonee.


As we are embarking on our journey tomorrow pray for us, That we never loose focus of why we are here and the big picture, that we challenge one another in our walk with Christ, we stay strong, and we keep being a family that we are slowly becoming. We are goof balls in our own ways, we laugh sometimes so hard some of us cry. And there will be times in the furture that we will cry for one another. Again this team is such a blessing, God is all over this. I have never been around so many people my age at once that are seriously constantly going "Okay guys we need to remember to keep each other accountable" or "Why don't we have our own team devotions and memorize verses as well". I'm so excited to see what God is going to let us do in this little place in Northern South Africa.

Love everyone back home, thank you for your many prayers. I will only have wifi twice a week and these next two weeks we are going camping. Our plane flys out tomorrow at 2:00 pm and we will get in Johannesburg at 5:45...

Haili

He Comes To Seek, Kill and Destroy

When I have dealt with spiritual warfare before it always comes in specific ways, loosing focus, procrastination, emotions, but most of all inadequacy!! I had expected it some, the emotions and loosing focus, but I made the mistake of preparing for it. Yes, I recognize that we need to be ready for the battle, but the enemy knew I was putting on my armor, guarding my heart, so the enemy tried another tactic....he left me alone!

Previously, I went on a mission trip for about a month, while preparing for it I had dealt with inadequacy with people and guys. Funny I know! My thoughts would be "how can you go over and expect some complete stranger to except you when you can't even get the people you know too" or the exact same thing but throw in the word guys instead of people. Like I normally do with emotions, I pushed those issues aside, and down, instead of dealing with them, thinking "I don't care", the sad thing was, later I realized I did. I came home on "spiritual Mt. Everest" (which can be more dangerous then being in a valley,because after all "what goes up must come down")and then after a couple of months I went down. Defiance started it, and exhaustion ended it. After losing a battle I thought I would win, I was sitting on my bed with tears, and my bible. I remember going through my bible and coming across Psalm 51. Have you ever had that moment when you need some verse right then? And then when you do it's like Jesus is literally speaking to you saying "Here my child this what you need, this is what I want you to know and hear". And it's like peace just comes over you! The amazing thing was it did! Psalm 51 one is a confession of sin that David wrote after he committed adultery with Bathsheba, he claims "Purify me with hyssop, and I shall become clean; Wash me and I will become whiter than snow." But you can tell the guilt that he feels like the Lord should shun him right then and there. But that's the amazing thing about grace.

Sorry, bunny trail, but one I felt I should share. I told you the enemy left me alone, but only enough to play with my mind and get me careless. Which was a mistake on my part! Then he striked me with confusion. Confusion with a friendship in my life, someone that I am close too. But, that confusion was slowly clearing and then inadequacy and emotions hit one after one. By the time I would prepare for one the other would hit. And still are. No it's not fully his fault, it's mine for falling for it as well. After all like my mom says "It takes two to fight". But, I'm learning my armor well, and how to fight as I am training for some later battle. 

While I have been preparing for this I have been stretched and of course had to go to battle already. I am learning, I am learning to control emotions, keep anger in it's place, mixed emotions in theirs. I am learning the power of prayer partners, which is somewhat new to me. I am learning the power of faith. Those moments of dependence, where you have to cry out to God and say "Okay Lord as much as I want to control this situation, you to"!

Who Am I and What Am I Doing?

First off there are a couple things you should know about me,  1) I am new at this blogging thing so it will get better with time, and 2) I am southern so there may be a few "Hey Y'all"'s in the mix! But I will try to refrain :)!
A couple of years ago I heard about a program called "Global Year", where about-to-be college students can take a year off and go into the mission field, my response was of course "Okay that's cool" and I kinda blew it off! Last semester my mom introduced me to a student that had gone to a country through Global Year, but my response was again "Okay that's neat, maybe I'll consider it". There were distractions in my life at the time that I honestly believe were put there so I wouldn't go into this program. At the time like most high school students I had a plan.  It was my plan that I had had for years and was sure was what God wanted me to do, or rather I wanted to do and there was nothing wrong with it so of course that's what God wanted! Come on I wanted to go straight into college, get married, be a stay-at-home mom, with a loving, godly husband that had integrity and character, and live happily ever after! Something like a "Leave it to Beaver" routine! This was my plan, my dream and if God wanted us in the mission field then we would go! I'm not saying my dream/plan couldn't still happen, there have been students that come back and decide not to go into a form of missions and go into to other aspects of society, but that was God's plan for them, and at this moment I was being a stubborn child wanting her own way! After the fog cleared a little and the distractions left, God had put me at a point that the only person I could go to for answers, the only person I could cry out to, literally, was him. He was the only one who could heal me, the only one who could answer my questions, because my plan had just shattered. After some soul and bible searching, praying and asking for prayer I found that I was to take a year off and go through Global Year. Little did I know I had another decision to come.

One of things with this program is that you choose your top two countries out of the ten that they offer. The one place I had always wanted to go was on the list...Ireland, again in my own little thought process it was where God wanted me, I had always wanted to go there and it was on the list. Duh! Change in plans again. I could never settle on Ireland, actually I could never settle on any country! And again after toying with countries and praying for discernment and still no answer, I decided that even though "me" wanted to go to Ireland, and the Holy Spirit kept "saying no not that one", I would leave the country blank in my application and leave it up to the leadership to send me where they thought appropriate. And that decision my friends puts me in South Africa!!

This past year has been rough. I won't deny it. There has been many times I have cried alone, been mad at people, parents and even God. There have been countless times I have listened to the songs "More Beautiful You", "Hold My Heart"and "By Your Side"! Many times I have felt alone, invisible, out of place, confused, angry and relieved, whether they are separately OR  all at once!  But it has also been one of the best years of my life, God has shown himself  and blessed so many things! Through decisions, prayers being answered, a joy and a peace that I haven't felt in a long time, friendships being made and even encounters.

I have always known God existed, but for some reason I am one of those people that needs to see it! I have faith smaller then a mustard seed, it's more like a molecule if not an atom! But it's like now my eyes have been opened, the scales removed, I can see him and his glory, not literally, but in the sun rising in the morning over the mountains, in godly friendships that are blooming, in my family, in my small group at church, in people that he is working in and through, and the changing of hearts.

Trust me, I'm not always this optimistic, I'm not always happy, or mature! I still like to sit down and color in my "Disney Princess Coloring Book", I lose my temper, and even snap at people, which I did last night! But more and more, day-by-day I'm learning of God's grace and patience.



"But we speak God's wisdom in a mystery, the hidden wisdom of God predestined before the ages to our glory!
                          1 Corinthians 2:7