Finding Contentment

October 2, 2012

Dear Lord,

Am I supposed to be single the rest of my life? It seems like everyone has someone. Everyone has someone to flirt with (and for it to be okay), to feel special to. I've never had any good luck in that realm, somehow they never turn out right. Why me? Is it a tactic to make me stronger? I didn't come here to find a husband. I didn't come here to seek attention. I came here to serve. Why do I yearn for it? Is this Satan's battle against me?
I said in my "letter" I wanted to be radical for you! I don't think I am doing a good job. What is it Lord that I need to learn and get right? Show me in your Word, not like some magic book that I open and there is the plan for my life, but let it be something that is absolutely you!
-Journal entry
No this isn't about finding a guy, quite the contrary. It's about learning to be content in yourself verses consistently having to have a guy. All my life, I had a guy in my life, whether I meant to or not. There was always someone, and yes, even though I never was into the dating scene, except for twice, a crush or something wouldn't hurt. Proverbs 4:23 means so much more to me now, then it ever did before. As a middleschooler, I was confident in the fact, that I didn't need to date and it was stupid. As a highschooler, that confidence slowly had faded, and by my senior year I had trust issues, and I had a lot of baggage that I was not willing to unpack. Mind, you I only dated once but there was a lot of back stories with him. Coming here, I realized my insecurities when it came to guys. I had plenty, and stuff to sort through. But, God mended my heart, and brought me to the realization of who I need to be dependent on. I had heard that I needed to be dependent on God all my life, but, that moment when it clicks is an amazing moment. And, sometimes an annoying one.

MY REALIZATION:
I don't need a guy, if I need a guy then well, my life is going to be terrible. Because, when Joe Smoe is who I depend on, I am going to be sorely dissapointed. If my dependence is on I AM then that is where my life line, happiness, assurance, hope, and satisfaction is going to have to lie, before any man comes into my life. Why? Because being a wife and mother isn't any easier than working here, and in being here my schedule is so crazy. When I have time to have one-on-one with my Father, I just want to do nothing, lie on my bed and look at the ceiling. So again, I gotta get my priorities straight.

Looking back I have seen how much time and emotions I've wasted. Sure I may still have never been kissed, but there was a time when I looked down on that. But what a blessing that is. I've always wanted my first kiss to be for my husband, and having that logic in my head has also been a boundary to not cross.

Some scriptures that have helped, and I have kept close when on the topic;

"I adjure you, O daughter of Jerusalem,
By the gazelles or by the hinds of the field,
That you do not arouse or awaken my love
Until she pleases"
Songs of Solomon 2:5

"For your husband is your Maker,
Whose name is the Lord of Hosts;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel,
Who is called the God of all the earth."
Isaiah 54:10

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you"
Psalm 32:8

"Where has your beloved gone,
O most beautiful among women?
Where has your beloved turned,
that we may seek him with you?"
Song of Solomon 6:1

Even though Solomon 6:1 is about Solomon if we are truly where we are supposed to be with the Lord, this will happen. People notice when your in love with your Maker, there are some women in my life that I can honestly say are that way. You just look at them and you know who has their heart. What a way to bring the saving grace to the world by being in love with Him. When you like, or are in love with someone, you consistently talk about that person, and what everyone to meet them. So I'm learning who I need to be in love with Him, and I'm learning where my heart needs to be. It's a long road, and hard, your fighting instinct basically.

Change of topic, but, we're headed on a two week long mission trip to Zimbabwe and Botswana. We're doing outreaches and evangelism, part of it will be in Zimbabwe where Christians aren't hugely welcome.

Love you guys, thank you for letting me share my heart. Please be consistently in prayer for our team, as we go on this trip and then also just for spiritual warfare.

In Christ,
Haili