First off I am afraid I am breaking tradition...this is not going to be about thankfulness although I am realizing more and more how I thankful I should be for air conditioning back home. This post I think is going to be very open, God has been showing me a lot, but for a quick light note.
Today a couple of things happened, on Thursday mornings we (all four girls) get to have the morning off, to do laundry, clean and relax. Which is great for me because I can make breakfast instead of grabbing something on the go, and I have some time to read and ya-da, ya-da, ya-da. Well, this morning I had the brilliant idea to plug in my "power surge protector/extension cord" in and use it to plug in multiple objects...it exploded. It didn't explode like shot into a million pieces, but it did catch on fire, and is now in the trash can, also it was located at the time on my bed, so now my sheet has a black spot of smoke. No other objects were harmed or burned thank goodness. Somehow when I am in Africa something fire oriented happens, like when I was in Kenya I caught my skirt on fire...but that was because I wasn't thinking. Now I can laugh about both situations, here and in Kenya, although earlier this morning I was slightly shaking... :). Then during maintenance we were painting the fence and lets just say some of us may have gotten in a paint fight, except it was outside latex paint, so we had to take turpentine to our skin, I still have paint on my feet. Interesting Thanksgiving...but it was African style, very unexpected.
Over the past few days there has been a continuous theme to everything. Being the woman God has me to be. I'm reading a book, go figure, and in that it's all about as a woman living your single years for God. To be a Lady of: Faith, Virtue, Devotion, Reckless Abandonment, Purity, Security, Contentment, Conviction and Patience. I'm not saying I'm called to be single for the rest of my life, but for today I am. It's not easy when your surrounded by people that have gotten married young, getting married, talking marriage with their boyfriends, and of course Pinterest doesn't help in itself. It's a day to day surrendering, and it's my cross right now. But over these previous days, I have had realizations of letting hurt, wounds, and scars go. Getting rid of the past and honestly moving on. I had someone say to me the other day, "you've become comfortable in your hurt, it's you security blanket. Because your afraid the moment you step out your going to get hurt all over again, you can't work for God. And those dreams that you dreamed before you got hurt will happen, and you will be able to dream again like you used to." Now I had barely known this person 24 hours. What a God thing. Also, yesterday just randomly one of the woman on base told me "take your singleness as a blessing, use it, don't squander it hoping for something else", on top of that last night someone just really encouraged me in some things. I realized the other day that my "list" isn't a check list for what I want in a husband, it's a reminder of what type of woman of God that I have to be to deserve a man of such integrity,
My faith has strengthened so much because I am having to rely on the Holy Spirit for guidance and discernment in everything. For someone who had to be pushed to get out of the house, and is now in a third world country, loosing her fear. It's huge, I get scared at times yes, but it's so small to my fear back home. There is a courage God has given me, and that courage has come from literally at times of being so confused, lost and frustrated that I have to literally say "God, I can't do this, give me your wisdom and discernment". Last night I had a Haili to God pep talk...which turned into a God to Haili pep talk and Haili realizing what was wrong in her life. Interesting how that works. It starts off as me complaining to God and God turning it around and putting me in my place. Which was funny because it was in the middle of a lightening storm, I felt like Job, complaining and then God was just like "here I am, this just a little bit of how great I am". Oh how I have had to depend on Him. How many times he is just shown me a piece of who he is and what being a woman of God is all about.
So that was this week. I made my first Apple Pie in Africa. Let's see if I can do Biscuits and Gravy. And I went biking in Africa, felt like an african at that moment. I was also informed the other day by one of my students that I was changing colors. He declared "Auntie Haili, your changing colors, your arms are yellow (tanning), but your face is white." Made my day!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!! Be very thankful for the cold!! I miss the fall and winter so much, the cold and the ability to wear sweaters, jeans and boots. I actually forgot it was Thanksgiving this morning and someone said something about it and I was like it is Thanksgiving. Tonight as team we had our "Thanksgiving Dinner", pancakes. Not joking. It was pretty fun actually. And I am very excited about being able to control how much Christmas Music I want to listen to, as well as NO 104.7!! But I'll miss Hallmark and some ABC Family movies. But it's stretching me. And He is My Comforter.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I've been reading/listening to a book called "Wild at Heart". One of the many lessons that I have been learning through it is, the wildness of God. We often as I have said, put God in a box. Not only when times get tough do we bring him out, but we also dumb God down. Here in Africa you don't always have the medicine and equipment right away, so you pray and trust that God will take care of it. Did this weird me out in the beginning? Yes, but I'm learning how often I conceal God's power in a box. In that, I also don't believe in him as much as i think. God is not a mamby-pamby god, he is great. One of the many things that "Wild at Heart" states is that "God is vulnerable", yes he has the power to change things, but he also gives us the choice to accept him or reject him, with the consequences that come. God is of love, like we are consistently reminded in our worship and praise songs. I think we as Christians of the twenty-first century would be a little uncomfortable if we sang about God's wrath, true power and yes wildness. I was talking to a friend of mine here about the Old Testament, we have been reading through it as I have stated, and I couldn't figure out why I struggled with it. And I realized, I am uncomfortable about it because it shows God's wrath and power. And I love the New Testament, because it shows God's love. God's not a teddy bear, he is always portrayed as a lion, plus he created the wildest of creation. He's unpredictable, and yet we in our doctrine and theological mindsets try to predict him.
I have been struggling with some changes lately that God has laid on my heart. In the mist of that I realized I wrote on my trip here "I want to be uncomfortable for God". Little did I realize how that would hurt, it causes me to be vulnerable, material wise and spiritually. And he is certainly making me vulnerable, suddenly I am having to pray aloud for one thing. In other's I'm having to lead devotions and stick my neck out some. Someone once called me a "turtle", in fact that was my nickname from that person. Why? Because whenever I get uncomfortable in anything I tend to pull back in a shell. But I'm realizing why He wants us to be vulnerable, it causes us to look and lean on Him. We have to say "Okay, Lord show me what you want me to do right now, because I have no clue". Some of the things I have been learning, I have heard so often, but they are now being lived.
If I could scream anything to everyone in the world, it would be "I am not an American coming to do my humane duty. I'm a Christian fulfilling God's calling ". Unfortunately, Americans seem to be seen as people trying to do their moral duty, when they come to third world countries. We are only there for us, not the people although we think other-wise. Americans are for the most part, self centered, and wanting to push their ways on people. Sadly, this is sometimes the case even with American Christians as well, we try to come in and fix things. And we say things after a mission trip, "Oh they were so barbaric", or "They were so backwards". If you look at it, we are the ones that are backwards, for the most part, all other countries drive on the opposite side of the road, they have tea and coffee, verses soda and coffee, plus the national sport is soccer(or "football"). Americans are strange, and I am a very patriotic person. Often to people who don't know much about missions it looks like the Peace Corps. I got told I was a humanitarian by doing this, and how great it was. We as Christians are not humanitarians, and often we think that of ourselves. Yes, we are called to feed the hungry, help the widows and orphans. But, Jesus did not just go around caring for people, he also stirred up some dust. People didn't like him for it. But are we as Christians called to be complacent, timid boys and girls? And I say boys and girls because we act like it sometimes, when we should be men and woman. We go to church doing what we want for God according to our schedules, our plans, our comfort zones. We would rather sit in the dust than stir it up. And I speak for myself more than anything else. I always thought of myself as the timid wallflower, but earlier today God gave me a light bulb. Yes, I can be that way, but I have so much more when it comes to boldness than I thought, that he had given me. Looking back at high-school, you could most likely say it was DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA, uncomfortable, vulnerable and yes, HARD. Part of the problem was I would stand out, but not stand up. I would for the most part (I think) not conform to society, but, I wouldn't deform society either, because I didn't want to open a can of worms. There has always been a fire, honestly given by God, that I have had to do something or wanted to break the rules. Which when it comes to parents and leadership it needs to be contained. A couple of years ago my dream was to take a group of people and go to Washington D.C., singing "Do You Hear The People Sing?" from "Les Miserables" in the middle of the Capitol. Or better yet, the White House. But now God's changing that, yes I have the same reasons. But a different purpose. I'm not sure if that means defy the rules of China, smuggle Christians out of closed countries, encourage Christians in closed countries, or track down Human Traffickers(which is probably not a good idea as a woman). I'm not sure, what that fire is meant for, but I want to break the rules for God's glory. How often do we have a passion or fire in us, but it's bogged down by life? Or we laugh, because it's such a dream? I truly believe that the fires and passions that are from/of God, are to be used for his glory and that he has put them there for us to act on. Boldness for Christ, I'm learning, is such a blessing. And the reason I am saying that is because you get such a freedom in it. When we act before thinking on the Holy Spirit, that is where we need to be. Our little minds and fears don't get in the way and God can use us any way he wants.
For those of you that don't know of the "Christy Series", which is also a book by Catherine Marshall, there is this character named Mounty O'Teale. She never speaks, has these sad huge blue eyes, she just looks at people in the show, and she never smiles. There is a girl at "the orphanage" who is an African Mounty O'Teale. If I could adopt her, legally and financially I would. Yesterday, I gave her a piggy back as far as I could (basically back to the school, her home was that direction), and I asked her a question and normally her response is nod of the head, which is what I was expecting. This time it was a "yes" I got so excited! I told her "you spoke to me" and she just giggled with this huge smile! Sometimes on the way back we will blow lightly on each others ears, she'll touch my neck and I'll pretend to squeal or I'll make different kinds of squeals which she will giggle at. It was funny, I had gotten frustrated, well slightly angry, with the girls in my discipleship group, not listening and no interest what so ever. God, taught me two things that day. 1) Do you honestly think that much of yourself, because they are not listening to YOU? 2) When Ndivhuho said "yes" to me. "That's why your here, to love them". And it's so true that love is a language in all countries. Love is an action not just a feeling. Unfortunately in a world where love is a feeling, or more, it's hard to remember what love truly is. We always hear the 2 Corinthians 13 definition, which is awesome don't get me wrong. But in Romans 12:9-13 it says: "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality".
Interesting, how it gets deeper in this passage. But what's even more interesting is this passage is summarized as "Behaving like a Christian". Take the word love out and put your name. It makes a little more personal doesn't it?
I have been struggling with some changes lately that God has laid on my heart. In the mist of that I realized I wrote on my trip here "I want to be uncomfortable for God". Little did I realize how that would hurt, it causes me to be vulnerable, material wise and spiritually. And he is certainly making me vulnerable, suddenly I am having to pray aloud for one thing. In other's I'm having to lead devotions and stick my neck out some. Someone once called me a "turtle", in fact that was my nickname from that person. Why? Because whenever I get uncomfortable in anything I tend to pull back in a shell. But I'm realizing why He wants us to be vulnerable, it causes us to look and lean on Him. We have to say "Okay, Lord show me what you want me to do right now, because I have no clue". Some of the things I have been learning, I have heard so often, but they are now being lived.
If I could scream anything to everyone in the world, it would be "I am not an American coming to do my humane duty. I'm a Christian fulfilling God's calling ". Unfortunately, Americans seem to be seen as people trying to do their moral duty, when they come to third world countries. We are only there for us, not the people although we think other-wise. Americans are for the most part, self centered, and wanting to push their ways on people. Sadly, this is sometimes the case even with American Christians as well, we try to come in and fix things. And we say things after a mission trip, "Oh they were so barbaric", or "They were so backwards". If you look at it, we are the ones that are backwards, for the most part, all other countries drive on the opposite side of the road, they have tea and coffee, verses soda and coffee, plus the national sport is soccer(or "football"). Americans are strange, and I am a very patriotic person. Often to people who don't know much about missions it looks like the Peace Corps. I got told I was a humanitarian by doing this, and how great it was. We as Christians are not humanitarians, and often we think that of ourselves. Yes, we are called to feed the hungry, help the widows and orphans. But, Jesus did not just go around caring for people, he also stirred up some dust. People didn't like him for it. But are we as Christians called to be complacent, timid boys and girls? And I say boys and girls because we act like it sometimes, when we should be men and woman. We go to church doing what we want for God according to our schedules, our plans, our comfort zones. We would rather sit in the dust than stir it up. And I speak for myself more than anything else. I always thought of myself as the timid wallflower, but earlier today God gave me a light bulb. Yes, I can be that way, but I have so much more when it comes to boldness than I thought, that he had given me. Looking back at high-school, you could most likely say it was DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA, uncomfortable, vulnerable and yes, HARD. Part of the problem was I would stand out, but not stand up. I would for the most part (I think) not conform to society, but, I wouldn't deform society either, because I didn't want to open a can of worms. There has always been a fire, honestly given by God, that I have had to do something or wanted to break the rules. Which when it comes to parents and leadership it needs to be contained. A couple of years ago my dream was to take a group of people and go to Washington D.C., singing "Do You Hear The People Sing?" from "Les Miserables" in the middle of the Capitol. Or better yet, the White House. But now God's changing that, yes I have the same reasons. But a different purpose. I'm not sure if that means defy the rules of China, smuggle Christians out of closed countries, encourage Christians in closed countries, or track down Human Traffickers(which is probably not a good idea as a woman). I'm not sure, what that fire is meant for, but I want to break the rules for God's glory. How often do we have a passion or fire in us, but it's bogged down by life? Or we laugh, because it's such a dream? I truly believe that the fires and passions that are from/of God, are to be used for his glory and that he has put them there for us to act on. Boldness for Christ, I'm learning, is such a blessing. And the reason I am saying that is because you get such a freedom in it. When we act before thinking on the Holy Spirit, that is where we need to be. Our little minds and fears don't get in the way and God can use us any way he wants.
For those of you that don't know of the "Christy Series", which is also a book by Catherine Marshall, there is this character named Mounty O'Teale. She never speaks, has these sad huge blue eyes, she just looks at people in the show, and she never smiles. There is a girl at "the orphanage" who is an African Mounty O'Teale. If I could adopt her, legally and financially I would. Yesterday, I gave her a piggy back as far as I could (basically back to the school, her home was that direction), and I asked her a question and normally her response is nod of the head, which is what I was expecting. This time it was a "yes" I got so excited! I told her "you spoke to me" and she just giggled with this huge smile! Sometimes on the way back we will blow lightly on each others ears, she'll touch my neck and I'll pretend to squeal or I'll make different kinds of squeals which she will giggle at. It was funny, I had gotten frustrated, well slightly angry, with the girls in my discipleship group, not listening and no interest what so ever. God, taught me two things that day. 1) Do you honestly think that much of yourself, because they are not listening to YOU? 2) When Ndivhuho said "yes" to me. "That's why your here, to love them". And it's so true that love is a language in all countries. Love is an action not just a feeling. Unfortunately in a world where love is a feeling, or more, it's hard to remember what love truly is. We always hear the 2 Corinthians 13 definition, which is awesome don't get me wrong. But in Romans 12:9-13 it says: "Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality".
Interesting, how it gets deeper in this passage. But what's even more interesting is this passage is summarized as "Behaving like a Christian". Take the word love out and put your name. It makes a little more personal doesn't it?
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I Have No Clue What to Title This As!
I'm not going to sugar coat. Today was a hard day at points, although it started out fine. I knew the results from the election were in and I was thinking "I am not going to worry about it, tomorrow is the day I'll find out and there is nothing I can do about it". About that time one of my team members walks up and says "Obama won". Well, that got me angry, and threw me in to a tail spin. I kept saying "God is faithful, he's sovereign, he has a plan", then the Holy Spirit convicted me. Was I saying it because I believed it or because I just needed to calm down? I had been reading through Philippians the past few days and decided that today was a day for a Psalm, and I wanted a Psalm that suited my needs. I was like "okay today is 11/7...117, Psalm 117", well Psalm 117 is about praising God. Which was the last thing I wanted, I wanted to grumble. Okay so Psalm 61, a Psalm about God's protection, better right? Then I came across chapter 62.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah
Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work. Psalm 62:5-8, 11&12
Interesting. Suddenly worrying about America didn't seem so big. Then I decided that today was not going to be a bad day, it was going to be a good day. The frustration of the morning was not going to carry on into the classroom, the children don't know, nor do they care if Obama was president for another four years, so why should I for 5 hours. All in all good day in the classroom, I swear God is teaching me parenting through the classroom. I had to take a way 100 merits today from a child, and still he kept on so he lost story time as well, plus he had already lost break because of not doing his work. I had warned, and warned, then finally I had to act on it. And I honestly did not want to go through with it, but I knew the moment I didn't my word meant nothing. So a hundred merits, loss of break, and story time. And my mom's voice popped in my head as she would punish me "This hurts me more than you". Then we would have little spits of he said, she said and out of my mouth would be more wisdom from my parents "You are responsible for your actions, not theirs" or "We are talking about what you did right now, not what he did". But all day today I would be stern when I needed to be, but yet would get them to giggle and I would be giggling as well. One of the boys in my class Adi, a sweet little boy with dimples and a big smile, and I were reading. The sound was "oo", so you had "moo", "coop", "stoop" and things like that. So I started saying them with him, only a little more dramatic. Oh the laughing and giggling we got into, quietly of course :). Then I tried it with one of the girls. Oh no, that did not fly because I was reading with her, which meant she needed help. But my Father certainly raised my spirits this morning, and showed me his everlasting, unconditional love, and yet his wrath as well. Not physically, but in the classroom, in having to discipline one child, yet turn around a love another. There are days I don't want to work with some children, but He always shows me something. After school we had maintenance, Wednesdays are always hectic in themselves plus I had to bake for Home Group tonight, and finish my reading. Everything I did today was with this attitude "I hope this won't last long, so I can get to the other thing". Looking back I wonder how many conversations or lessons I have missed with God because I was so focused on the next thing.
In Home Group tonight after we had finished reading and discussing the chapters we had coffee and cookies. In that time everyone (two married couples and two singles) got on the topic of marriage, and certain things about it. Most of it was joking around more than anything, some serious. And I was sitting there, observing, thinking "Why is this not bothering me?". Because normally it does, when I'm in a group of girls, or teenagers, and suddenly they all start talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends. I feel lonely, inadequate, silly even that I don't have a boyfriend and haven't in a long time. Which as I am writing it out sounds very silly! But tonight as everyone was talking about marriage, and dating, it did not bother me. Why? Because this past week I had been so focused on my prayer life, on devotions, reading my three chapters a day, the children and God, that suddenly it didn't matter any more. Your always told that when God's enough is you will meet "the one", and with everyone around me having someone back home, I felt again alone. But as Paul writes "I have found the secret to being content." Put your focus on Him only. Am I going to have hard days? Yup, you bet! But I'm becoming the woman that I'm supposed to be through this experience. It may sound cliche, but the verse that says "In everything there is a season", is becoming so real and apparent.
I'm a private person and this past week we have had so many prayer meetings causing us to pray out loud. Which is so out of my comfort zone and God is drawing me out of it. I feel like I'm on a tread mill, and He is slowly turning up the speed of discomfort. And I remember writing in my journal on my way up "I don't want to be comfortable any more, I want to uncomfortable for God". Little did I know the meaning of that statement. I meant material things. Not in personality or feelings, I just wanted to be uncomfortable in the things I wanted me to be. We can still follow what the Bible says, yet want to hold the keys to the door and control who comes in and out. As long as we open it we are okay. No, it's a control freak. We often let relationships, television, music, and books control the situation. And for us girls it's emotions. Yet, why are we so reluctant to let our Father, who has proven himself over and over again, have the keys? The Lord who we praise on Sunday morning, and yet during the week tend to put on the shelf. The God of Abraham, who we say we will spend time with every day, yet only commit barely two hours with. Why are we so afraid to let him have the keys to our lives? I don't hold the answer, it's something different in each one of us. But it's something that the Holy Spirit has been convicting me on MAJORLY!!! I want to hold on as much as I can but, seem like I'm giving alot. "Just how close can I get Lord to my surrender with out loosing fool control", is one of the lines in a song by Casting Crowns. Americans are control freaks. We are. We control everything we can and mostly we do it unconciously.
So what is He teaching me?
Prayer isn't just private. There is a time for that, but we have to boldly come before Him.
Worship. Boldy, worship Him. I often forget His glory, and therefore it carries into my worship. Let raw worship come from our hearts and not care what people think.
Walking with Him in the Garden. How often do I spend with him? Not often. thirty minutes in the morning max, and then I get so caught up in the day. If it's supposed to be a relationship, am I investing in it. And allowing him to invest in me.
Taking my day a step at a time. Not worrying whats next.
What am I doing?
Since I haven't actually told you much on that now maybe a good time. Sorry.
Monday- We work in the school and then go to the orphanage. Which, as I mentioned before it's not. It's a place where children, who have one parent or a grandmother come for food. It's just "the orphanage" is the best way to describe it.
Tuesday- School, Venda Classes and Maintenance.
Wednesday- School, Maintenance, Bible Study, and then Home Groups.
Thursday- School, Financial Class, Maintenance.
Friday- School and then Orphanage.
The weekends vary. Last Sunday we went hiking/mountian climbing/rock climbing. Not joking that's what it was depending on where you were. Basically on Saturdays we have nothing, sometimes we have a "Work Party", which is where everyone on base gets together and knocks some things off the maintenance list for a few hours. Sunday's at night though, we have church.
If anyone has questions please just email me. Also I had mentioned today was difficult in the morning some, and tonight was hard. I had some stuff going on in my mind that I was, and still am confused about, and am trying to seek God's direction with. So tonight I sat down and decided to read through my cards and letters. And to all of you who gave me one. Thank you!! They lifted my spirits so much, and were such a blessing, in being reminded of the prayers back home and the verses and words of encouragement. I apologize if there are any run-on sentences, or grammar mistakes. I proof read, but still some fall through.
Psalm 32:8
Haili
scherhaili@gmail.com
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah
Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work. Psalm 62:5-8, 11&12
Interesting. Suddenly worrying about America didn't seem so big. Then I decided that today was not going to be a bad day, it was going to be a good day. The frustration of the morning was not going to carry on into the classroom, the children don't know, nor do they care if Obama was president for another four years, so why should I for 5 hours. All in all good day in the classroom, I swear God is teaching me parenting through the classroom. I had to take a way 100 merits today from a child, and still he kept on so he lost story time as well, plus he had already lost break because of not doing his work. I had warned, and warned, then finally I had to act on it. And I honestly did not want to go through with it, but I knew the moment I didn't my word meant nothing. So a hundred merits, loss of break, and story time. And my mom's voice popped in my head as she would punish me "This hurts me more than you". Then we would have little spits of he said, she said and out of my mouth would be more wisdom from my parents "You are responsible for your actions, not theirs" or "We are talking about what you did right now, not what he did". But all day today I would be stern when I needed to be, but yet would get them to giggle and I would be giggling as well. One of the boys in my class Adi, a sweet little boy with dimples and a big smile, and I were reading. The sound was "oo", so you had "moo", "coop", "stoop" and things like that. So I started saying them with him, only a little more dramatic. Oh the laughing and giggling we got into, quietly of course :). Then I tried it with one of the girls. Oh no, that did not fly because I was reading with her, which meant she needed help. But my Father certainly raised my spirits this morning, and showed me his everlasting, unconditional love, and yet his wrath as well. Not physically, but in the classroom, in having to discipline one child, yet turn around a love another. There are days I don't want to work with some children, but He always shows me something. After school we had maintenance, Wednesdays are always hectic in themselves plus I had to bake for Home Group tonight, and finish my reading. Everything I did today was with this attitude "I hope this won't last long, so I can get to the other thing". Looking back I wonder how many conversations or lessons I have missed with God because I was so focused on the next thing.
In Home Group tonight after we had finished reading and discussing the chapters we had coffee and cookies. In that time everyone (two married couples and two singles) got on the topic of marriage, and certain things about it. Most of it was joking around more than anything, some serious. And I was sitting there, observing, thinking "Why is this not bothering me?". Because normally it does, when I'm in a group of girls, or teenagers, and suddenly they all start talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends. I feel lonely, inadequate, silly even that I don't have a boyfriend and haven't in a long time. Which as I am writing it out sounds very silly! But tonight as everyone was talking about marriage, and dating, it did not bother me. Why? Because this past week I had been so focused on my prayer life, on devotions, reading my three chapters a day, the children and God, that suddenly it didn't matter any more. Your always told that when God's enough is you will meet "the one", and with everyone around me having someone back home, I felt again alone. But as Paul writes "I have found the secret to being content." Put your focus on Him only. Am I going to have hard days? Yup, you bet! But I'm becoming the woman that I'm supposed to be through this experience. It may sound cliche, but the verse that says "In everything there is a season", is becoming so real and apparent.
I'm a private person and this past week we have had so many prayer meetings causing us to pray out loud. Which is so out of my comfort zone and God is drawing me out of it. I feel like I'm on a tread mill, and He is slowly turning up the speed of discomfort. And I remember writing in my journal on my way up "I don't want to be comfortable any more, I want to uncomfortable for God". Little did I know the meaning of that statement. I meant material things. Not in personality or feelings, I just wanted to be uncomfortable in the things I wanted me to be. We can still follow what the Bible says, yet want to hold the keys to the door and control who comes in and out. As long as we open it we are okay. No, it's a control freak. We often let relationships, television, music, and books control the situation. And for us girls it's emotions. Yet, why are we so reluctant to let our Father, who has proven himself over and over again, have the keys? The Lord who we praise on Sunday morning, and yet during the week tend to put on the shelf. The God of Abraham, who we say we will spend time with every day, yet only commit barely two hours with. Why are we so afraid to let him have the keys to our lives? I don't hold the answer, it's something different in each one of us. But it's something that the Holy Spirit has been convicting me on MAJORLY!!! I want to hold on as much as I can but, seem like I'm giving alot. "Just how close can I get Lord to my surrender with out loosing fool control", is one of the lines in a song by Casting Crowns. Americans are control freaks. We are. We control everything we can and mostly we do it unconciously.
So what is He teaching me?
Prayer isn't just private. There is a time for that, but we have to boldly come before Him.
Worship. Boldy, worship Him. I often forget His glory, and therefore it carries into my worship. Let raw worship come from our hearts and not care what people think.
Walking with Him in the Garden. How often do I spend with him? Not often. thirty minutes in the morning max, and then I get so caught up in the day. If it's supposed to be a relationship, am I investing in it. And allowing him to invest in me.
Taking my day a step at a time. Not worrying whats next.
What am I doing?
Since I haven't actually told you much on that now maybe a good time. Sorry.
Monday- We work in the school and then go to the orphanage. Which, as I mentioned before it's not. It's a place where children, who have one parent or a grandmother come for food. It's just "the orphanage" is the best way to describe it.
Tuesday- School, Venda Classes and Maintenance.
Wednesday- School, Maintenance, Bible Study, and then Home Groups.
Thursday- School, Financial Class, Maintenance.
Friday- School and then Orphanage.
The weekends vary. Last Sunday we went hiking/mountian climbing/rock climbing. Not joking that's what it was depending on where you were. Basically on Saturdays we have nothing, sometimes we have a "Work Party", which is where everyone on base gets together and knocks some things off the maintenance list for a few hours. Sunday's at night though, we have church.
If anyone has questions please just email me. Also I had mentioned today was difficult in the morning some, and tonight was hard. I had some stuff going on in my mind that I was, and still am confused about, and am trying to seek God's direction with. So tonight I sat down and decided to read through my cards and letters. And to all of you who gave me one. Thank you!! They lifted my spirits so much, and were such a blessing, in being reminded of the prayers back home and the verses and words of encouragement. I apologize if there are any run-on sentences, or grammar mistakes. I proof read, but still some fall through.
Psalm 32:8
Haili
scherhaili@gmail.com
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